-Hello work-

Co-worker: So my sister is all freaking out because this is a 10 hour flight and she needs to feed the baby and she doesn’t know how much milk she can bring on the plane cause of the new rule. So finally our mom says “Why don’t you just breast feed the baby?” and my sister says “Oh yay, that’d go over well. ‘Excuse me may I have a window seat? I want to flash the entire content.’”

Co-worker: Does it pay to be cheeky or sarcastic?
Me: Depends on who’s paying you.
Co-worker: …Good answer.

Co-worker:*to me* I’ve got jars of mustard around that are older then you.
Another co-worker: Really?
Me: It that healthy?

Co-worker: It’s this little ranch, just outside of Denver.
Another co-worker: What is it called?
Co-worker: Little Ho Ranch.
Me: … Insert bad joke here.


-Hello theater-

Abby: *while working on the play ‘High School Musical’*
Eric: Draw something on the blackboard for the classroom scene.
Abby: What?
Eric: I don’t care just make it look like a real high school.
Abby: Ok
Later
Me: So what did you draw?
Abby: We drew some chemistry equations and then in the corner we drew stick figures of ourselves and wrote “Brian, Elliot and Abby are here. No seriously we are here, backstage.”
Me: You really wrote all that?
Abby: Well we had just had all these energy drinks…

*doing sound check at the theater* Eric: Say something.
Abby: What?
Eric: Just speak.
Abby: 'Just speak.'
Eric: Don’t be smart.
Abby: But it’s so easy.
Later
Eric: Now sing.
Abby: I don’t sing.
Eric: Yes you do.
Abby: Not in public.
Eric: It’s just you and me.
Abby: Public enough.

*In a meeting for planning the play Romeo and Juliet, *
The costume designer: *Showing pictures of Romeo’s costumes.* And this is for the Ballroom scene. *the costume is pink* Where he meets Juliet-
Lighting designer: And runs off with Tybalt.


-Hello school-

Teacher: There are three levels of ugly; ugly, butt ugly and plumbers butt ugly.

Teacher: Yesterday I told my neighbor “We have too many people. We need a plague.” And guess what she said... She said I was a sociopath. I don’t want to kill them I want nature to kill them.


-Hello friends-

Josh: I don’t wear shirts. This is just an elaborate chest hair weaving.

Me: *not paying attention to the conversation*
Josh: …He got a tattoo of a dragon on his penis.
Me: Hold up. What on what?
Josh: Exactly.
Abby: Ouch

Josh: You people are too skinny. You need to eat more crap.
Me: I can’t eat crap I have stitches in my mouth.

Josh: Denver weather is like this. The city is at the foot of the mountains and when the weather comes at us from the other side it hits the mountains and only barely goes on us. Like when you throw an egg at the very top of a wall. The egg brakes on the wall but still splatters all over the poor sucker on the other side.

Josh: *singing* I like big butts and I can not lie.
Katie: *his girlfriend* Sorry I don’t have one.
Abby: Wear a pillow in your pants.
All: Pillow pants!

Josh: I like thick eyebrows.
Katie: You are so Bi and I mean that is the nicest way.

Katie: *helping me study for my science final by quizzing me using my midterm exam.* Ok and last the bonus question. “What is the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?” *looks confused*
Me: 42
Abby: *laughing* good one.


-Hello crazy-

Mom: Do you want a t-shirt that says ‘on the side of love’
My brother: Sure and while you’re at it get me one that says ‘pick on me and beat me up’

Me: *having completely lost my head* Oh go… go… Go make love to a chainsaw!!
*I honestly have no idea where that came from*

*Man walks crosses the street walking backwards in nothing but boxers.*
My grandmother: Did I just see that?
Me: Yes.
Mom: I wonder what bet he lost.

Katie’s mom: *Katie is flipping out on what to wear to her job interview* Oh come on Kate it's a job interview not a date!
Katie: But it IS a date! A DATE WITH DESTINY. *promptly runs into the wall*

Mom: I got my mom this wine that I really like, but she said it was too sour. So she put sugar in it.
Me: Sugar in wine?
Mom: Yep.

Me: *on the computer* *phone rings and rings and rings* Why isn’t anyone getting that? It’s only *looks at clock* …Midnight… Holy shit… When did that happen?


-Hello God-

Reverend Mike: The difference between religion and science is very clear. Religion shows us the rock of ages and science shows us the ages of rock.

My Cousin: Do you hate God?
Me: No. I hate all the rules that say I’m not allowed too. No one has the right to tell me who I can love or hate.

My Cousin: So what do you believe? God is real or not?
Me: I don’t adhere to such cut and dry lines. I believe that everyone is right about what is real.
My Cousin: Huh?
Me: I believe that it is our beliefs that give God form, being, and life. Our faith keeps him from fading away. I believe that all religions are correct, that as long as there is at lest one person who completely believes in anything, then that makes it real.
My Cousin: “I think there for I am”?
Me: Yes, but more ‘I think and there for you are’ I believe in believing

Me: God is not dead. God is alive. We created God not the other way around. I believe that what we believe in our hearts becomes the truth all the beliefs on earth all the gods are real and they are with us. As long as there is at lest one person who completely believes in anything, then that makes it real.

Me: “The People said ‘Let there be God’ And there was God.”