Interesting Conversations 12

      My friends…

An e-mail pen pal: Like my granny always said. "No need to bash someone's head in with a rock the size of the city when one the size of your fist will work just fine."
Me: I think I would like this woman.

Josh: Want my burrito?
Sean: No thanks, I don't eat food that can stand up on its own.

Sean to Josh: You are a lousy Dungeon Master. Where you part of that campaign where I was a bi-sexual satyr?

Josh: *Explaining chess moves* I have found that everything in the world is simpler when you use a Star Wars metaphor to explain it.

Katie: A jumbo hot dog is a status symbol!
Me: I don't want to know why.

Megan: I come home and my dad is there looking liked a kicked puppy and I ask what's wrong and he hands me my Wii sensor bar. It looks like a mess of twisted metal and torn wire. So I ask what happened and he says "I vacuumed it."

Josh: My entrance was cooler in my head cause there was music.

Abby: And then because I ran out of time I ended my story with the two main characters laying down in the middle of a nuclear waste land and having sex.
All: Nice.

Me: Rot and die unburied!
Kelly: It's "die and rot unburied"
Me: *Thinking* No, I think I like it better my way.

Abby: *to Sean, while he is trying to teach us to play Go. Mock bowing* You're the King of board games!
Me: Tristan.
Abby: *to Sean. Mock bowing.* You're the Prince of board games.
Sean: I'd settle for the Earl.

Josh: *Singing while unwrapping his KitKat bar* Gimmie a brake, gimmie a brake. Brake me off a piece of- holy shit this thing is huge!


      My family-

Brother: Why is nothing on the radio but Michael Jackson?
Me: Cause he died yesterday.
Brother: So? Why do we of the modern age have to listen to all this generation X?
Brother's friend: Dude, try generation B.C.
Me: Oh shut up and respect the classics.
Brother: Why? He's dead.
Me: Exactly so his fans are twice as likely to kill you for talking bad about him then they were a week ago.

Mom: Going to chess club is like going to a bar for nerds. It's how you meet people. The difference is that the boys are smarter and more gentlemanly. But no less horny.

Mom: You know what they say. "If wishes were cows, we'd all be eating stake."
Me: I thought it was "If wishes were horses..."
Dad: No it's "If wishes were horses, we'd all be drowning in horse shit."
Mom: He's a pessimist.
Me: I noticed.

My sister: I've got everything planned out. I'll go through college, and then meet a really great guy who loves kids, get married, have kids, then go back to work and invite Mom to be my live-in-nanny.
Me: *to Mom* She's kidding right?
Mom: *Joking* Actually she's mentioned this to me before, and I told her as long as she marries a rich man I'd be fine with it all.
Me: Did you tell Dad about this 'plan'?
Mom: Yes and he said- "Do I have a part to play or am I just expected to die at some point?"

Mom: *On cell phone.* Bye Eileen. *Hangs up.* I can't believe her. She calls me up saying she heard I was going out to dinner and lectures me about not inviting her. And after she guilt trips me into inviting her tells me that she already has plans to go to a baby shower for a co-worker. Why did she even call in the first place?
Me: It's very simple mom. Eileen used to have multiple drinking buddies, but years of being used as unpaid/overworked shrinks has chased them all away but you. She is terrified of her only remaining friend gaining too much independence. So even though she could come with us it's a matter of principle.
Mom: You're harsh.
Me: You know I'm right
Mom: I didn't say that.
Me: So you think I'm wrong?
Mom: I didn't say that either.

Me: Dad's hogging the bathroom again!
My brother: Oh like you've never hog the bathroom.
Me: I'm a woman. We don't 'hog' the bathroom; We occupy.
My brother: Yeah. Kind of like the Germans 'occupied' France.

*When cleaning out the basement mom finds some of my old school stuff from elementary school. Including some old papers I wrote.*
Mom: What is this?
Me: *looking at the paper.* Oh that. Well it's kinda complicated...
Mom: *laughing* Really?
Me: Our 2nd grade teacher asked us to write a paper about a day in our lives, I... embellished a bit.
Mom: *Reading my essay* You told them you were born in Ireland, had a pet dragon hiding in the attic and that you were a black belt in 3 kinds of martial arts!
Me: I was a kid with a high reading level and an overactive imagination, and I considered my life to be horribly boring. What do you want from me?!


      My College

Poetry Teacher: Just drop it in my in-box.
Student: Where's your in box?
Poetry Teacher: It's on the syllabus.
Student: Really? How'd you fit a whole box on the syllabus?
Poetry Teacher: It's a Mary Poppins thing.

Boy in History class: *about Avatar* It's FernGully meets Pocahontas.

Girl on the bus: *to her 9 year old brother* I really hope you turn out to be gay. Cause you are never going to get a girlfriend.
Boy: That's fine with me, girls have cooties.

Theater Teacher: You all know how I have four sons.
Student in the back: You have four socks?
Theater Teacher: *talking louder* I have four SONS. I have 8 socks and none of them match.

Student 1: Porn objectifies women. It's all gender bias and degrading! It's designed to crush feminism!
Student 2: That might be stretching it.
Student 1: Oh really? Name a porn that doesn't make women slaves to a man's pleasure.
Me: Yaoi?

Teacher: How do we waste less water? Well you can shower with a friend. That'll save water. Unless it's a very special friends and you'll probably waste even more water.


      My Job-

Dave: It's like anti-graffiti. Instead of writing about your problems on the restroom stall door. Tape up a poem there. Something inspirational to help us get through a difficult episode.

*Watching "The Sandlot" at a company party.*
Me: *Looking at 'Mertle'*: I know his voice from somewhere.
Eric: *grins* Really? Where?
Me: I don't know but his voice is very familiar and it's driving me crazy.
Later
Me: I remember now! He was the voice of Mufasa in Lion King!
Eric: You remembered.
Me: Yeah. I remember I thought his voice was really cool and I wanted a dad that sounded like that.
Eric: *bursts out laughing*
*it was only later that I realized that the guy who played Mufasa's voice, James Earl Jones, also was the voice of Darth Vader. Ironic twist.*


And Me.

Me: Prophecies are annoying things. It's like someone gave you a road map to your destiny only they cut out the destination plus half the directions.

Me: Why is it that most villains in movies and books are demons or monsters? The worst a demon can do to you is eat you. And that's over pretty quick. Humans on the other hand can get remarkably creative when they wish to.

Me: It really is ironic. It sure as hell isn't funny but the timing of it is really bizarre if you think about it. On Thursday morning, Robert and pretty much my entire acting class agree whole heartedly that I don't know how to properly hit someone in a fit of rage. That same day I come home to find that my 18 year old brother and his friends have gone joyriding in my new car...